


Before Dishonor

by Laure Alexander (ladyoneill)



Series: The Erotic Adventures of Willow and Spike [48]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 12:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyoneill/pseuds/Laure%20Alexander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas morning, 1989, and Willow and Spike are newly engaged, but wonder if they'll get a wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before Dishonor

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on July 31, 1999 as a response to a challenge to write a fic based on the song "Before Dishonor". Here I do address their concerns about Angelus and the deal with Willow which weren't touched on at all in the engagement fic (but this one was written after "Shot" was begun and the other wasn't). Also, in first person--a first for this series. I borrowed one thing from the episode "Amends".

Something wakes me and I shiver as cold air hits my naked flesh. The window is open, and even though the blinds are tightly closed, the cold has seeped into the room. Still fuzzy from sleep, I vaguely remember that Sunnydale was in the midst of a heat wave. Maybe it has finally broken.

As I debate on whether or not it's worth it to get up and close the window, Spike stirs, mumbling in his sleep. I blink into the darkness of the room and realize that dawn must be approaching.

He always is restless at dawn.

Fully awake now, I slide from the bed, trying not to let my teeth chatter as I grab my robe and wrap myself in it. Silk does little to alleviate the chill, so I stumble over to the window, stubbing my toes on my desk chair, and peek through the blinds.

The sky is that dark haze that comes right before dawn...but, there's something strange...

Behind me my radio comes on, music playing softly to wake me. My brows furrow in confusion. Okay, it's December and even in California the sun doesn't rise very early, but still, I'd set the alarm for at least a half hour past dawn.

Where's the sun?

Pulling open the blinds, I gape at the snow falling onto the low bushes that front my French doors. It's already a good half inch deep on the grass.

My gasp rings loudly through the room.

"Wh--what?"

I turn at the sleep roughened voice and see my lover--no, my fiance‚--sitting up, running a hand over his face. He glares at the radio as if it's evil, then smiles at me. The smile fades as his eyes go past me.

"...Snow?"

"Uh huh." I'm still pretty stunned. I've lived here all my life and it's never snowed.

"Huh."

I turn back to watch the snow fall and smile as Spike's arms encircle my waist from behind. His lips brush the top of my head and I sink into his embrace.

"Isn't it beautiful?" I ask softly.

"It's not as beautiful as you," he murmurs into my ear before placing a delicate kiss on the lobe, making me shiver from something different than the cold.

On the radio, the DJ comes on babbling about the bizarre snowfall in the land of perpetual sunshine, and mentions that the sun won't be seen at all this Christmas Day. I smile at the image of the two of us playing in the snow, making a snowman, having a snowball fight, kissing and making up afterwards...

The DJ puts on a new song, one I've heard a few times recently, one that has given me strength. I've wanted Spike to hear it. As I slide my hand into his, the tip of my finger caressing the ring I gave him last night, I send a brief prayer to whatever deity may be listening, that we can survive all the obstacles before us.

*What makes you think everything in this world that you  
have can be taken away?  
In a world this day, it's kill or be killed.  
I live each day like it might be my last.*

Isn't that the truth. Ever since I made the deal with Angelus, I've lived each day as my last, never knowing when he'll hold me to our bargain.

*In this lifetime few things are worth fighting for.  
My Blood.  
Your Honor.*

It's as if the singer was singing about us. My blood binds Spike and I together, but my vows run even deeper. Spike's honor will never allow him to refuse his sire, no matter his protestations. We both know, in the end, I will belong to Angelus.

*Everyone has a destiny.  
I'll choose my own.  
I will not be a victim.  
My cries won't go unheard  
I got to fight for myself.*

Because I can't allow Spike to fight for me, to surrender his own life for mine. I made the choice. I have to live with it. I'll have to die for it. And, though I promised not to fight physically, I won't go easy. Angelus will end up with a wild, furious vampire on his hands.

*I'll choose my own destiny and i won't let anyone take away what I hold to be true.  
I won't live in denial.  
And I won't turn the other cheek.  
I must remain convicted and never accept this suffering.*

Spike tried to deny my vows, tried to get me to do the same. We rarely speak of the future, but it colors everything we do. Engaged to be married, I have to wonder if I'll live that long.

If I'll live through today.

*I've learned from my mistakes and I've made a promise to myself.  
I won't live in the past  
I've been affected by your lies and I've let them hold me back.*

I look back on those days over six months ago when we fought and he nearly died, and regret them deeply. I let the untruths, the hidden truths, nearly destroy us. The truth will set you free.

That it will.

*I wasn't thinking for myself.  
I wasn't living for myself.  
What I have in my heart I'll take to my grave. *

I pray this is so. I pray that when I die I continue to love Spike. If I can do that, if our love can survive my first death, my turning, my demon, then I will win and Angelus will lose.

He'll be my sire, but he won't be my love, he won't HAVE my love.

All that, all that I am, all that I feel, belongs to the male who holds me in my arms, swaying us to the music, his tears dropping silently onto the top of my head.

And I cry with him.

End


End file.
